“You don’t have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop letting them control you.” — Dan Millman
Let’s get personal… Something that I truly miss in the blogosphere.
For the past couple of months, I learned to focus on my mental health as anxiety has weighed me down.
(woah there, too personal for a first sentence, no?) But I am not here to apologize. I am here to finally let it out.
As cliché as it sounds, it’s not always rainbows and butterflies; not a sunflower field with all things pretty. IT’S NOT HOW REAL LIFE WORKS. It has its ups and downs for sure, and the ups are always so liberating and euphoric, but the downs? It sucks. Big time. My personal and so-called “social media” ~life~ came down with it.
Frankly, I didn’t know where it all started. Maybe it came from being burnt out at work; maybe something about social media’s enormous let down; maybe some financial instability; maybe my body-image issues; maybe some problems that keep on recurring… But that’s the thing, I DON’T KNOW. It just presented itself to me as this big word: ANXIETY.
It affected (and it still does) me so much. I was all around like a mess. First, I worry about everything and anything. I felt so suffocated in this environment; it felt like people were lurking and waiting for my fall. I felt so useless until it came to a point that I didn’t care what a new day brings anymore because it was all the same, anyway. I showed up to work late. I ditched my online platforms and commitments for a while. I kept quiet a lot. I slept late or didn’t sleep at all because sleeping means another day tomorrow and I hated to acknowledge that. I no longer listened to my loved ones encouraging me and giving me the affection that they thought I needed.
I just wanted an escape.
I wanted to be alone.
I wanted oblivion.
You see, I am not a very religious person that goes to church every week but I do pray every day. My prayers used to be of how grateful I am with this life I have been given but when anxiety comes, I only whisper one thing: TAKE ME, God. Please, I am begging you. Take me.
That was my lowest low. I became too selfish to think who might get hurt when that happens. But I didn’t care at that time. I was so lost in my own world, listening to the voice inside my head urging me to end this pain. I almost did. Almost.
I lost my faith – to myself.
I lost my faith to whatever I believed in. I lost sight to what is important – the love of God.
I am not here to preach, like I said, I don’t consider myself to be religious. But what I do know is that I am still here. Amidst the circumstances, I am here.
It took me a while to wake up and step out from that sht hole. It took courage, a lot of courage to stand up after that blow.
But yes, I am here. Today. Now.
I owe to this to the unconditional love that I have been receiving, perhaps, longer that I know but too blinded to see. My husband, my best friends, my mother, my family… They keep on reminding me that life is MORE than the attacks that are keeping me distracted; that I AM MORE than a label; that I am loved and validated.
I owe this to God’s unfailing grace. I have failed him countless times but he forgives every. single. time. Without my fear of God, I would have listened to the voice inside my head. Without his love, I may no longer be here.
And ultimately, I owe this to myself. At the end of the day, your will to take another step forward is the only way to pull yourself together. I had to take charge and take care of myself. I needed to see the bigger picture before I realized that love doesn’t only come from other people… It comes from me. The love that I am able to share comes from the love that I have. It comes from learning to value your life and understanding to love yourself no matter the highs and the lows.
It is not easy, oh no, it’s not. Until now I am struggling. Every single day I try to push away the thoughts that may cripple me. Even as I type this I am crying… Oh man, right now it hurts to even think that I could give my family an unimaginable grief… And this, I don’t know if I should publish it or not. But I want to write this as a personal reminder: I am fighting my demons and I am surviving.
Just like the seasons that come and go… I want to change, too. I want to become the better version of myself every day. I want to take care of my mental health even more. I want to wake up every morning and know that I am alive. I want to be a stronger person in all aspects – for the people I love and for myself.
A Letter from Me to You,
Mental health is not an issue that people talk about any time of the day. People would rather talk about the latest sticker on The ‘Gram than lend a helping hand to a person who needs it the most. It’s disgusting that people don’t speak about it and call it by its name. They would rather call you a “drama queen” or “attention seeker” just to prove their point.
But love, if you are experiencing the same thing now, I want you to know that I am listening. We are on the same page but we could last this chapter – together.
YOU are stronger than your doubt. YOU are braver than you think. YOU matter. YOUR voice is valid. YOU are loved. And most imporantly, your mental health should be your priority.
It’s not a smooth journey, but remember Sansa Stark from Game of Thrones? She didn’t get any sort of magical power after all those 6 seasons but she survived two vile husbands, she made it back home and now she’s ruling the North.
If a fictional character can change her life, YOU can, too.
On another note, these photos are not related to my post at all but hey, I liked how the shots turned out so why not make use of it? Ha. Like what I’m saying: change. 😉