What question hunts you?
Have you ever read a book or watched a movie where a simple question (directed to the character) suddenly hit you? Here’s mine…
“What scares you the most?”
– The Circle (movie) based on the best-selling book of Dave Eggers’ “The Circle”
THAT question has been on my mind lately.
A quarter of the year has passed and I am way behind everything by now. My blog hasn’t seen the light of day since February, my Instagram is suffering from my lack of creative juices and basically, my life plans are farther to reach. The pressure is building up once again and I don’t like what I am seeing in myself. I am not built to be this way. I have always known what to do, I have kept a list of things I wanted to finish in a week… Now, I feel like I’m in a limbo and I am getting nowhere. And I panic; I’m anxious. It’s creeping in. Like time is ticking and I feel like I should have done a lot by now.
But does it really matter? Does it matter to finish stuff in a certain time frame? Is time really my enemy?
We have all these goals in life that we wanted to achieve and we always feel defeated when it didn’t happen. I guess I just realized that while we plan everything ahead, the success rate is never really up to us. See, I planned on getting married at 27 and have kids two years after but I ended up tying the knot at 23 and no kids so far. Which causes another gasp from people…“You’ve been married for 4 years now and you still have no kids?!?”or “You’re getting old, you should have kids now!!!”
Well, I’m telling y’all, it’s not your damn business. It’s the same thing with things I should have achieved at this age. I’ve always dreamt to be a writer or to become a Forensic Psychologist but alas, I’m sitting on a chair answering phone calls and filing papers. It’s not my ideal job but it pays the bills. And adulthood is all about paying bills. Don’t roll your eyes… I know…
But then again, it doesn’t mean I can’t do the things I want in the future. I have time. Sure, it’s not realistically possible to do it for the next two weeks but I can still see a future that I get to do what I wanted to do all along. I know and I feel it in my bones, I can be that “somebody” that I would be proud of.
That’s why I despise it when people say, ”You are running out of time.”
I don’t know who started the concept that you should be this and that at a certain age; that you should get a degree, land a decent job, be married, have kids and retire in a perfect timeline according to the society’s standards. Life is not like that. Life is not supposed to be like that. You should not force yourself to follow the timeline that the world gave you.
YOU SHOULD ALLOW YOURSELF TO RUN YOUR OWN RACE.
Julia Childs wrote her first cookbook at the age of 50. Vera Wang started her fashion empire at the age of 40. Stan Lee created his first hit-comic during his 39th birthday. Charles Darwin, yeah, the person who changed how we view things now, published “On the Origin of Species” when he was 50.
You see, time is subjective. There are million ways to get what you want when you want it. So when I said I was not built for this, I meant I was not built to see myself fail and not get back up… Not that I am optimistic and all, I am just simply aware that this, this vicious cycle happens. Sometimes it gets me, sometimes it doesn’t. But when it does, I consider it a wake-up call. I ponder upon it for a few days and I get back on track. It’s never easy specially when everyone around you seems to have it all but I tell myself this:
“It have my own time. I will get there. One day, I will get there.”
So every day I choose to wake up. I choose to nourish what I have now. I choose to be aware that this is my reality at the moment but it doesn’t mean I can’t be where I wanted to be in the future. I choose to always dream big. And I choose to never lose sight of what comes ahead because I do know that possibilities await me, I just need to grab ‘em when they come…
Thus, allow me to make myself a cup of Nespresso and indulge because it’s a brand new day after all.
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